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Beauty and the Muse

  • #LeahVDaily
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Photo: Moon Reflections +  Makeup: Madinah M. 

Photo: Moon Reflections +  Makeup: Madinah M. 

 #LeahVDaily

#LeahVDaily is a social and fashion movement that began on Instagram.

It encompasses all the different facets of my style and ideas.

You'll see how I rock street style to vintage glam but this just isn't about beauty, every photo is paired with meaningful content about feminism, social justice, divorce, and body positive activism.   

You get a front row seat to my life's journey.

Pull up a chair...

--Leah V. Daily--

  • July 2019
    • Jul 31, 2019 2-Minute Turban Tutorial Jul 31, 2019
    • Jul 24, 2019 Leah V Reveals Her Book Cover! Jul 24, 2019
    • Jul 11, 2019 Leah V Goes To A Model Casting Call Jul 11, 2019
    • Jul 4, 2019 Leah V Goes To A Tony's After Party Jul 4, 2019
  • June 2019
    • Jun 26, 2019 Leah V Gets a Live Brazilian Wax Jun 26, 2019
    • Jun 18, 2019 Leah V's First Eid in NYC Jun 18, 2019
  • May 2019
    • May 8, 2019 Blogger-Versary: Seven Years Of Telling My Business Online May 8, 2019
  • April 2019
    • Apr 26, 2019 MOTD: Get Ready with Leah V Apr 26, 2019
    • Apr 19, 2019 Confusion In New York: Week One Apr 19, 2019
    • Apr 4, 2019 The Secret Is Out: I Have A Book Deal!!! Apr 4, 2019
  • March 2019
    • Mar 10, 2019 Creating Your Own Opportunity Mar 10, 2019
  • February 2019
    • Feb 13, 2019 Day 1: 30 Days in NYC Feb 13, 2019
  • January 2019
    • Jan 31, 2019 Vulnerability: Not Having It All Together Jan 31, 2019
    • Jan 11, 2019 Instagram Trolls: Body Shaming and Beyond Jan 11, 2019
  • December 2018
    • Dec 15, 2018 Fear: Taking Leaps and Bounds Dec 15, 2018
  • November 2018
    • Nov 27, 2018 The Unconventional: Thriving As A Covered Model Nov 27, 2018
  • October 2018
    • Oct 30, 2018 Why Eating In Public Has Empowered Me Oct 30, 2018
    • Oct 15, 2018 Simply Be UK "Express Yourself" Ad Oct 15, 2018
  • September 2018
    • Sep 29, 2018 Everything is Going to Change Sep 29, 2018
    • Sep 3, 2018 Doing The Impossible Sep 3, 2018
  • August 2018
    • Aug 18, 2018 BRUT Feature: Power In Numbers Aug 18, 2018
    • Aug 15, 2018 UK Collaboration With LOVEDROBE Aug 15, 2018
  • July 2018
    • Jul 19, 2018 Transparency After Having The Hypothetical Tape Ripped From My Mouth Jul 19, 2018
    • Jul 6, 2018 Ep 3: Learning From Failure With RV Mendoza Jul 6, 2018
  • June 2018
    • Jun 28, 2018 What Not To Wear Jun 28, 2018
    • Jun 16, 2018 Episode 1: Body Confidence with Etta Flyy Jun 16, 2018
    • Jun 8, 2018 The Last Straw: Kate, Now Anthony Jun 8, 2018
  • May 2018
    • May 25, 2018 Ramadan Chronicles: Embracing Imperfections May 25, 2018
    • May 15, 2018 5th Year in the Game: It’s My Blogger-versary May 15, 2018
    • May 4, 2018 I’m Not Sorry. Actually I’m Unapologetic. May 4, 2018
  • April 2018
    • Apr 24, 2018 Am I Not Muslim Enough For You?   Apr 24, 2018
    • Apr 10, 2018 Accepting My Body As It Is Apr 10, 2018
    • Apr 1, 2018 Just Dropping In :) Apr 1, 2018
  • March 2018
    • Mar 23, 2018 Fat, Black, and Carefree: NYC Video Project Mar 23, 2018
    • Mar 13, 2018 F is for Fat Mar 13, 2018
    • Mar 4, 2018 The Deletion of the Perfect Instagram Hijabi Mar 4, 2018
  • February 2018
    • Feb 20, 2018 BodyPROJECT: Turbanista in the City Feb 20, 2018
    • Feb 13, 2018 Muslim Women Are Trending, but Some of Us Are Still Invisible Feb 13, 2018
    • Feb 6, 2018 Blogging 101: Finding Your Niche, Building Content, and Tackling Instagram Feb 6, 2018
  • January 2018
    • Jan 26, 2018 Leah V Makeup Tutorial Jan 26, 2018
    • Jan 22, 2018 The Power of Transparency Jan 22, 2018
    • Jan 12, 2018 I Was Called a Whore Because of This Photo Jan 12, 2018
    • Jan 5, 2018 A REAL Beauty Campaign Jan 5, 2018
  • December 2017
    • Dec 26, 2017 Looking Back On 2017 Dec 26, 2017
    • Dec 18, 2017 Leah V on Feminism and the City of Detroit Dec 18, 2017
    • Dec 11, 2017 Dating in a Fatphobic World Dec 11, 2017
    • Dec 1, 2017 Reclaiming Time and Taking Up Space Dec 1, 2017
  • November 2017
    • Nov 24, 2017 Mistaking a Woman's Trauma as Bitterness Nov 24, 2017
    • Nov 17, 2017 The Muslimah Rebel: Why Quitting Ain't an Option Nov 17, 2017
    • Nov 8, 2017 My Photos Tell A Story Nov 8, 2017
    • Nov 1, 2017 Inclusion: The Perception of Perfection in Islam Nov 1, 2017
  • October 2017
    • Oct 23, 2017 On the Verge of Quitting Oct 23, 2017
    • Oct 13, 2017 Stop Calling Women Selfish Because They Choose Birth Control Oct 13, 2017
    • Oct 6, 2017 I'm LIVE! Art Detroit Ep 2 Oct 6, 2017
  • September 2017
    • Sep 29, 2017 When I Finally Noticed that My Uniqueness was an Asset Sep 29, 2017
    • Sep 22, 2017 The Pitfalls of Being on Social Media and Other Inadequacies Sep 22, 2017
    • Sep 15, 2017 The Broke Artist Sep 15, 2017
    • Sep 8, 2017 Muslim Girl Dance #BodyProject Sep 8, 2017
    • Sep 1, 2017 One-Year Divorce Anniversary Sep 1, 2017
  • August 2017
    • Aug 26, 2017 Visibility in Islam Aug 26, 2017
    • Aug 18, 2017 No Longer Bound By The Scale. How Much I Really Weigh. Aug 18, 2017
    • Aug 11, 2017 Why Can't We Be #BodyGoals? Aug 11, 2017
    • Aug 4, 2017 The Difference Between Religion and Spirituality Aug 4, 2017
  • July 2017
    • Jul 30, 2017 Why Does Female Empowerment Make You Uncomfortable? Jul 30, 2017
    • Jul 18, 2017 Leading the Resistance: Your Voice Counts Jul 18, 2017
    • Jul 8, 2017 Are You Even Muslim? Jul 8, 2017
    • Jul 3, 2017 First Times Can Be Charms, Too Jul 3, 2017
  • June 2017
    • Jun 26, 2017 The #BODYProject Trailer Jun 26, 2017
    • Jun 11, 2017 60-Second Turbanista Style Jun 11, 2017
    • Jun 4, 2017 Social Media: Stop Allowing it to Define Your Self-Worth Jun 4, 2017
  • May 2017
    • May 27, 2017 Battling Inner Demons May 27, 2017
    • May 22, 2017 10 Questions with Leah V and RV May 22, 2017
    • May 14, 2017 Boys Will Be Boys May 14, 2017
    • May 6, 2017 How Well Do You Know Your Muslim Friend? (Pt. 1) May 6, 2017
  • April 2017
    • Apr 29, 2017 Fan Questions Answered with Leah V. Apr 29, 2017
    • Apr 15, 2017 Do You Wish You Weren’t Fat? Apr 15, 2017
    • Apr 8, 2017 Thighs That Touch Apr 8, 2017
  • March 2017
    • Mar 24, 2017 Momentum: The Life of a Black Socialite Mar 24, 2017
    • Mar 20, 2017 Stop Policing a Woman's Body Mar 20, 2017
    • Mar 9, 2017 Detroit Girl in a London World Mar 9, 2017
  • February 2017
    • Feb 27, 2017 My Hijab. My Crown. My Way. Feb 27, 2017
    • Feb 23, 2017 Ghetto DIY Tumeric Face Mask Feb 23, 2017
    • Feb 7, 2017 The Non-Valentine’s Day Valentine’s Day Feb 7, 2017
  • January 2017
    • Jan 27, 2017 Feminism: I’m Not Your Stereotype Jan 27, 2017
    • Jan 17, 2017 Taking Back the True Meaning of Beauty Jan 17, 2017
    • Jan 6, 2017 Who Said Fat Girls Can’t Slay? Top 7 Outfits of 2016 Jan 6, 2017
  • December 2016
    • Dec 30, 2016 New Year, New Me? Dec 30, 2016
    • Dec 23, 2016 Vulnerability Doesn’t Mean Weakness Dec 23, 2016
    • Dec 17, 2016 How to Wrap a Pin Turban Dec 17, 2016
    • Dec 12, 2016 The Black Girl with Many Faces Dec 12, 2016
    • Dec 2, 2016 Beauty Review: Zahara Cosmetics Dec 2, 2016
  • November 2016
    • Nov 26, 2016 A Look Into How We View Mental Illness Nov 26, 2016
    • Nov 18, 2016 *New Youtube Video* Leah V. Gets a Brazilian Nov 18, 2016
    • Nov 14, 2016 This is What Real Body Positivity Looks Like Nov 14, 2016
    • Nov 5, 2016 Identity: I Wanted to be a White Girl Nov 5, 2016
  • October 2016
    • Oct 28, 2016 Upliftment Through Style: Detroit’s Body Positive Movement Oct 28, 2016
    • Oct 22, 2016 I’m Muslim, But I’m not the Poster Child for Islam Oct 22, 2016
    • Oct 14, 2016 Objectification Of A Fat Woman Oct 14, 2016
    • Oct 8, 2016 Style: First Time Wearing A Bisht Oct 8, 2016
  • September 2016
    • Sep 30, 2016 The ‘F’ Word: FAT Sep 30, 2016
    • Sep 23, 2016 Divorced and Almost 30... Where to Now? Sep 23, 2016
    • Sep 13, 2016 Body Image: How to Get Over It Sep 13, 2016
    • Sep 2, 2016 Why I Decided to Become a Plus-Size Model Sep 2, 2016
  • August 2016
    • Aug 26, 2016 I Used To Get Bullied For Dressing Different Aug 26, 2016
    • Aug 17, 2016 Confessions of a Content Fat Girl: Late 20’s Reflections Aug 17, 2016
    • Aug 7, 2016 I Posted a Picture in Front of the #BlackLivesMatter Wall and the Internet Went Crazy Aug 7, 2016
  • July 2016
    • Jul 26, 2016 Fat Girl Style Guide: Color Blocking Jul 26, 2016
    • Jul 19, 2016 Trois Soeurs: West African Accessories Jul 19, 2016
    • Jul 14, 2016 Diversity In YA Books: Brown Girls Need Heroines, Too! Jul 14, 2016
    • Jul 7, 2016 Naturally Flyy Detroit Jul 7, 2016
  • June 2016
    • Jun 30, 2016 Eid Glam: Tips on Finding the Perfect Eid Ensemble Jun 30, 2016
    • Jun 23, 2016 Ladies That Lead Tour Jun 23, 2016
    • Jun 15, 2016 Editor's Note: A Photo Doesn't Capture Our True Struggles Jun 15, 2016
    • Jun 11, 2016 Natural Makeup Tips For Girls With Melanin Jun 11, 2016
    • Jun 4, 2016 Father’s Day: Adding Unique Accessories to Your Wardrobe Jun 4, 2016
    • Jun 1, 2016 How to Rock a Plus-Size Tutu Like a Boss Jun 1, 2016
  • May 2016
    • May 22, 2016 Fat Girl Guide: Affordable Shopping May 22, 2016
    • May 16, 2016 The Selfie: What's So Wrong About Being Confident? May 16, 2016
    • May 7, 2016 Body Positivity: All Bodies Are Good Bodies May 7, 2016
    • May 3, 2016 Detroit's Style Butteryfly: Lala Trips May 3, 2016
  • April 2016
    • Apr 27, 2016 The Perfect Blogger: Tips on Breaking into the Blogging World Apr 27, 2016
    • Apr 20, 2016 Curvy OOTD: Spring Is Officially In Session Apr 20, 2016
    • Apr 11, 2016 Hollywood In Detroit Gala Apr 11, 2016
    • Apr 1, 2016 #BlackGirlMagic Apr 1, 2016
  • March 2016
    • Mar 25, 2016 Curvy Trend: Nicki Minaj Collection & Torrid Mar 25, 2016
    • Mar 21, 2016 Curvy Enthusiast: Alysse Dalessandro of Ready To Stare Mar 21, 2016
    • Mar 18, 2016 Daily Inspiration: What's Yours? Mar 18, 2016
    • Mar 14, 2016 TCF Style Brunch Series--Atlanta Mar 14, 2016
    • Mar 10, 2016 Turbanista Chornicles: Detroit Street Style Mar 10, 2016
    • Mar 6, 2016 Big Thanks: New Blogging Camera Mar 6, 2016
    • Mar 1, 2016 15 Diverse Bloggers You Need To Know Mar 1, 2016
  • February 2016
    • Feb 24, 2016 Evolution of a Black Blogger Feb 24, 2016
    • Feb 10, 2016 Curvy Conversations: Who Am I to the Fashion World? Feb 10, 2016
  • January 2016
    • Jan 31, 2016 Curvy Vintage Style Jan 31, 2016
#AD I’ve always had big feet. I got made fun of a lot about my feet growing up and even in adulthood. I’m actually sensitive about them, trying to cover them when I can, but I’d still like to be stylish. 
I have a size ten foot (som
#AD I’ve always had big feet. I got made fun of a lot about my feet growing up and even in adulthood. I’m actually sensitive about them, trying to cover them when I can, but I’d still like to be stylish. I have a size ten foot (sometimes 11 depending on the shoe). I also have flat feet, not an arch in sight. Wide feet with long toes. So, you can say that shoe shopping hasn’t always been the easiest for me. I can’t wear many brand’s because they are too narrow. My pinky toe is rubbed raw or my instep is burning. I’ve tossed countless gym shoes because of fit. Especially as a big girl, I need that extra cushion. I’m so glad to be partnering with @allbirds to announce their newest sustainable running shoe made out of natural materials: the Tree Dasher in Blizzard. They are a neutral cushioning running shoe designed with a new outsole geometry built specifically for running comfort and stability. I’m also happy that they are paying and collaborating with fat, Black and Muslim influencers such as myself. If you think about it, when you see models modeling athletic shoes, they are straight size. And, usually white. Think about all the accessories being modeled (hand/feet) and let me know how many look like me, or are even fat? *Tongue pop* Any who, go check out the shoe. lol. I’ve been wearing my new pair everywhere and they still holding up on these rough NYC sidewalks. Have you tried @allbirds yet? Do you have big/odd shaped feet like me? Is it easy for you to find stylish and comfortable shoes in your size? Let’s chat. #WeAreAllBirds #eatingdisorderrecovery #newyorkblogger #plussize #instafashion #bodypositive #bodydysmorphia #fitnessmotivation #effyourbeautystandards #beforeandafterweightloss #blackgirlswhoblog #londonblogger #psfashion #blackgirlmagic #muslimgirl #plusmodel #feminist #turbanista #fatfitness #honormycurves #fitness #bodygoals #selflove #fatacceptance #pilates #fitnessmotivation #dietculture #yoga #weightlifting
Thought I’d drop in with some wholesome content. And, smiles. Some Black girl joy. Give you some Ratta Tat Fat Muslim vibes on your timeline because the world right now is hurting. 
Last week for the Juneteenth celebration, I had my very first
Thought I’d drop in with some wholesome content. And, smiles. Some Black girl joy. Give you some Ratta Tat Fat Muslim vibes on your timeline because the world right now is hurting. Last week for the Juneteenth celebration, I had my very first picnic at the park. I wanted to start small because Covid, but also I get bad anxiety when planning events. What will I make? Will people like it? What if no one comes? What if people don’t enjoy themselves? All buzz around in my head. I’m trying to overcome my fears so I’m finding myself diving into the unknown, even if I dont think I can. You’d be surprised how many irrational and rational fears that I have. Some of my friends have food restrictions so I decided to just make all vegetarian dishes. Now, I’m a meat eater and don’t really care for veggies because I’m picky but I’m trying new dishes. I made kale salad with sliced apples and dried cranberries. It had avocado cilantro and lemon dressing. I’m shocked it turned out so tasty. I made pasta salad with onions and tomatoes and we had a refreshing blueberry, cherry, and strawberry fruit salad. A common misconception is that people who look like me don’t eat well. We just dive into chips and cookies all damn day. That’s why I hate when fat-shamers and diet folks be like “you should only eat salad”. Bitch, I do. And other thangs *tongue pop* Have you been judged based on what you eat? Who else has been down for picnics/bbqs lately? Also, what are your favorite vegan/vegetarian dishes? Please share recipes! Let’s chat. #newyorkblogger #psootd #plussize #instafashion #bodypositive #honormycurves #effyourbeautystandards #fatphobia #blackgirlswhoblog #fashion #londonblogger #amplifymelanatedvoices #blackgirlmagic #muslimgirl #bodyconfidence #plusmodel #feminist #intersectionalfeminism #turbanista #bodydysmorphia #fatacceptance #selflove #goldenconfidence #modestfashion #ootd #womenempowerment #beautybloggers #vegan #picnic #vegetarian
Being on social media is really exhausting. The algorithm for many platforms are fatphobic. Blocking audiences from seeing big bodies that aren’t airbrushed. That aren’t proportional. Big boobs. Tiny waist. Hour-glass. That’s what t
Being on social media is really exhausting. The algorithm for many platforms are fatphobic. Blocking audiences from seeing big bodies that aren’t airbrushed. That aren’t proportional. Big boobs. Tiny waist. Hour-glass. That’s what they promote. Influencers lying about how much money they got or how perfect life is for them. Anti-Black platforms that hide Black influencers. Boosting white/white adjacent ones. While simultaneously stealing and not crediting the work and trends we set. These pages, these companies sell dreams. They sell the toxic idea of perfection. If you don’t fit into that box then they don’t have a need for you. Sometimes, I get tired of playing the game. Of showing up. Tired of the numbers games and always trying to do more, create more. To be seen. I’m always afraid that if I don’t do then I’ll just be forgotten. This is how I pay my bills. All the while, I play into the system that is social media. I play into the numbers. The facade of it all. I try to keep it transparent, but at the end of the day, I have a part in making someone feel bad because of my accomplishments, or being on set modeling, or me having the following I have. It’s sad that I’m deemed “more important” because of my follower count. Because I can beat my face, because I can entertain. What if someone doesn’t have a following, does that mean that they are less important? My goal when I post is to not make people feel bad for not being me. Sometimes people say they wished they were me. I want you to be the best version of you. I don’t want you to be a copy cat like everyone else on here. Do you feel inadequate because of your follower count? Do you feel that people put importance on social media aesthetics versus real life? Let’s chat. #newyorkblogger #psootd #plussize #instafashion #bodypositive #honormycurves #effyourbeautystandards #fatphobia #blackgirlswhoblog #fashion #londonblogger #amplifymelanatedvoices #blackgirlmagic #muslimgirl #bodyconfidence #plusmodel #feminist #intersectionalfeminism #turbanista #bodydysmorphia #fatacceptance #selflove #goldenconfidence #modestfashion #ootd #womenempowerment #beautybloggers #editorial #amplifymelanatedvoices
It makes me uncomfortable to see photos of him. Just living life. When people tell me that I look like him or have his mannerisms, it makes me sick. He may be “good” to some of us, but he’s never been “good” to me. And,
It makes me uncomfortable to see photos of him. Just living life. When people tell me that I look like him or have his mannerisms, it makes me sick. He may be “good” to some of us, but he’s never been “good” to me. And, if anyone tries to make excuses for him when it comes to me, then you will be blocked promptly. I’m grown and can speak my truth. I don’t speak of him because—well, what’s to really speak about. The most I’ve ever spoken about him was in my memoir. I shared stories of body-shaming, neglect, and even a lawsuit against him. My memories of him aren’t good. It’s hard not to be bitter. It’s hard not to be hardened emotionally when it comes to men. To distrust them when for your whole life you’ve asked yourself “why does he hate me so much?” And, “why don’t I get to have a daddy, but everyone else does?” Or “What did I do wrong?” I was very young asking myself these questions. But even as an adult, I hurt when I see fathers at weddings giving their daughters away, fathers helping their kids move states, hugging them. I don’t have that. I feel like I’m missing a piece. To the man who impregnated my mother, I don’t have a happy Father’s Day photo because I don’t have a father. How can you have children in this world, be alive yet so dead to them? Days like today my mood is usually low because I’m constantly reminded that I don’t have it. That I’ll never have it. For those with a deceased father, those who had abusive fathers or ones who just weren’t around, I see you. I hear you. You are not alone. It wasn’t your fault. You are loved. What are you doing to celebrate the “present” father in your life? I wanna hear about the good daddies out there, too. For others, how are you coping today, every day without a father/parent? Let’s chat. #newyorkblogger #psootd #plussize #instafashion #bodypositive #honormycurves #effyourbeautystandards #fatphobia #blackgirlswhoblog #fashion #londonblogger #blackgirlmagic #muslimgirl #bodyconfidence #plusmodel #feminist #intersectionalfeminism #turbanista #bodydysmorphia #fatacceptance #selflove #goldenconfidence #modestfashion #ootd #womenempowerment #beautybloggers #editorial #fathersday #leopardprint
Happy Juneteenth! Today I’m Blackity Black Black black. Like everyday. I don’t get to scrub off my skin color. Nor will my body magically turn into your beauty standard. My culture. My religion and spirituality will stay at the forefront
Happy Juneteenth! Today I’m Blackity Black Black black. Like everyday. I don’t get to scrub off my skin color. Nor will my body magically turn into your beauty standard. My culture. My religion and spirituality will stay at the forefront of my identity. I’m not a fad. A trend. Or a token. And, remember Pro-Blackness doesn’t mean anti-whiteness. The first time I went to a Juneteenth celebration was many years ago. I was paid like 100 bucks (most of which went to gas) to do a head wrap demonstration. At the time, I didn’t understand it. At that time, I was trying to hide my identities because they weren’t marketable. I was trying to be as white adjacent as possible because that’s what we are all taught to do in order to make it. I remember trying to make my hijab, turban less “ethnic”. Less colorful. More flat. One white woman told me that my colorful hijab was too “distracting” during a presentation. Told by other Muslims that my style of hijab wasn’t proper. Wasn’t Islamic. Today, I celebrate my crown. My hijab. In whatever voluptuous, colorful form it’s in. If it distracts you. Too fuckin bad. If it’s make you uncomfortable. Too fuckin bad. I urge all my Black folks to celebrate your culture today and every day. Because you are the shit! I urge all of my non-Black folks to take this day to learn about Black American history. And, to donate. Buy shit. Venmo. Book Black artists and entrepreneurs. What are you doing to celebrate today? What does Juneteenth mean to you? Have you ever been discriminated against for wearing your cultural garb? For my non-Black folk, what do you know about this day? Let’s chat. #newyorkblogger #psootd #plussize #instafashion #bodypositive #honormycurves #effyourbeautystandards #fatphobia #blackgirlswhoblog #fashion #londonblogger #amplifymelanatedvoices #blackgirlmagic #muslimgirl #bodyconfidence #plusmodel #feminist #intersectionalfeminism #turbanista #bodydysmorphia #fatacceptance #selflove #goldenconfidence #modestfashion #ootd #juneteenth #womenempowerment #beautybloggers #editorial #africanfashion

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Photos Courtesy of Eric Puschak 

Photos Courtesy of Eric Puschak 

Are You Even Muslim?

July 08, 2017

“Are you even Muslim?”

I hate when people ask me that. It pisses me off. They have no idea what it took, what I’ve been through to stand where I’m standing now in my Islam. My spirituality.

But, I know exactly why they’re asking. Because a black face with a traditionally wrapped hijab couldn’t possibly be Muslim. Because a girl wears leggings, couldn’t possibly be Muslim. Because she might have some tats on her arm, couldn’t possibly be Muslim. In order to be accepted as a visible Muslimah, I have to be of Middle-Eastern descent, wear an abaya, and speak Arabic.   

If you don’t fit into that mold then no one knows who you are or what you’re doing in the mosque. Stop trying and go to some other religion and hope that they accept you.

“So, you became Muslim when your Mom converted over, is that why you’ve stayed in Islam?”

Yes, I converted over when I was six or seven years old because of my mother, but as an adult that’s not why I’ve chosen to stay.

Close-ended comments/questions like these irk me because why isn’t my spirituality enough? Why do people feel the need to attach things to unrelated things or dismiss what I’m saying because they want to cram me into some square?  

To become a Muslim, convert to Islam, you only need to take shahada (profession of faith):

“Ashadu an la ilaha illa illa-ilah, wa ashadu anna muhammadan rasul ullah.”

The meaning is: "I testify that there is no god but God (Allah), and I testify that Muhammad is the messenger of God (Allah).

Of course, we have the pillars and other rules to being a good and ‘practicing’ Muslim. But to simply put it, this is the only thing you have to say and believe in order to be classified as a Muslim.

If in Allah’s eyes it’s so easy to be a Muslim, then why do human beings have such a hard time being convinced that I’m Muslim?

 

The media, other Muslims, etc, loves focusing on certain kinds of Muslims. Acceptable Muslimahs, I like to call them. They like to showcase the ‘oppressed Muslim’. The Middle-Eastern Muslim girl who is forced into an arranged marriage, isn’t allowed to drive, and covers in all-black with gloves. They show us the ‘good’ and wholesome Hijabi blogger. She’s usually a size small, wears pastels, has about a million followers, can pass for white but is usually Middle-Eastern, her photos are perfect, her pregnancy is perfect, and her husband makes fashionable cameos on her feed. Lately, the ‘activist’ Muslim has been trending. How do they look, you ask? Usually draped in an abaya or loose-fitting clothes and always with hijab. They can be found making salat on the grass at a rally for Trump’s latest Muslim ban. And, let’s not forget, they also are a fair-skinned Middle-Eastern type.

What about us “In-betweenie” Muslims?

Don’t we exist? The ones who don’t wear hijab but still dress modestly. The one who dates but doesn’t drink? The one who smokes weed but gives charity. The one who doesn’t make salat but never misses a Jumah prayer. The one who only observes the obligations of Islam during Ramadan.

What about the Black Muslim. The African Muslim. The Dark-Skinned Middle-Eastern Muslim. Asian. White. European. Hispanic. Indian.

Do we not exist in the Islamic world?

Do we not belong?

 

I used to be one of those Muslim girls who pretended to be super Muslim. I did it in order to appease people. I wasn’t doing it for Allah and I definitely wasn’t doing it for myself. I changed the way I dressed, pretended that I prayed five times a day or knew certain surahs. I’d say ‘inshallah’ after every sentence, wrapped my scarf the “correct” way, and even ate halal.

I was two different people.

What was interesting was that the Muslim women who were covered and praying and being as Muslim as can be had another side to them that I couldn’t quite understand. They were bitter, judgmental, and very close-minded.

As calamities started to happen and my façade began to slip away, my iman (faith) was at an all-time low. But for one thing, I knew in my heart that I still believed and wanted to be Muslim. That wasn’t enough for the community though. So instead of lifting me, I became the center of their negativity. I was called a kafir (derogatory term for an unbeliever), a hoe, and a slut. I was called fake, un-Islamic, and a bitch. Those are just a few of the names.

At that point, I was done. I stopped going to the mosque. I didn’t trust Muslims at all. I cut all ties. And, I was on the brink of actually detaching from the religion. My plan was that I could still believe in Allah (swt) but not ascribe to Islam. In my head, I wasn’t Muslim enough for my ex. Not Muslim enough for the Black Muslim community or the Arab one. I tried and got shunned. So, I was just finished.

 

“My sister is having a halaqa tonight,” my friend said. “You should come.”

I was going through the divorce and I hadn’t wanted to be around any judgmental Muslims. “I’m straight,” I told her.

“It’s gonna be free food there.”

I sighed. I was pretty hungry and my funds were low. “Fine!”  

I came super late. My plan was to swoop in, get a plate, then slip away.

When my friend saw my face, she said, “Glad you can make it.” I’d been spotted.  

I rolled my eyes.

The sisters were pleasant. They gave me greetings and kisses on my cheek. Wasn’t so bad, I thought. I sat on the couch and her sister turned on a lecture about being Muslim. It was a short but hard-hitting lecture. Afterwards, the sister talked about community and uplifting each other. She asked if anyone had any questions. There was a silence. A lump formed in my throat as I clutched my plate, trying to hold back tears.

“My ex called me a kafir, so I don’t think I can be Muslim anymore. I just can’t do anything right,” I told the group. “I can’t dress like a Muslim. I can’t eat like one. I can’t pray like one. And, if I can’t be a good Muslim then I can’t be one at all.”

The sister grimaced. “That’s not how this works. You ARE a Muslim. You are NOT a kafir and how dare he say that you. A Muslim should NEVER, ever say that to another Muslim. When you take shahada, you are a Muslim, dear. I don’t care what you do or have done or will do in the future. Every day we are given on earth is a day to get closer to Allah (swt). Everyone, I mean everyone, even the Muslims who appear to have it all together have their weaknesses—whether they show it or not. But, don’t ever believe that. You are Muslim.”

That was last year.

I’ve said it before, I’m not the poster child for Islam. I’m one of the many, many Muslims on this planet just trying to make it somewhere on this earth and in the hereafter. I have lots of work to do. And, I’m okay with that.  

So, when I am hit with the question: are you even Muslim?  

I say: I am. Proudly.

 

xoxo

Leah V. 

 

 

   

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